Our passion is the ever-changing field of human development. We know you are creative and resourceful and we invite you to show up that way.  We ask questions to help you gain clarity, make choices, and take action. We peel back layers of comfort and dance on the edge. We believe that understanding yourself at a deeper level is critical to leveraging the strengths that make you unique. We trust that at your core, you have the intuition, confidence, and motivation to create the kind of work and life you want.  What kind of footprint do you want to make?

“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.”     Joseph Campbell

So how are companies tapping into this vast pool of possibility? Many that I observe are using traditional processes to measure performance, like annual reviews, which analyze employee commitments and competencies. Unfortunately for many individuals the company goal morphs into something completely different by year’s end, as leadership shift strategy to adapt in a changing marketplace. How do you measure an employee against a moving target? And then there are HIPO programs, which identify high potential employees. These are eerily similar to the tracking systems we used to see in schools. Yes, they might identify folks who are the perceived cream of the crop at the moment, but what about the remaining employees? Can companies afford to rely only on their top twenty percent? Success today depends on utilizing the strengths of all employees. The current systems often fall short, because systematizing performance essentially erases one of the most important aspects of human capital – individuality. It is the collective uniqueness that makes a company great. Are systems and processes for performance measurement relevant? Absolutely. But when they are inflexible and adhered to with rigidity they often have the opposite effect of improving performance.

A lot of models for increasing performance set competencies that employees adhere to. The system identifies the skills and behaviors that appear to drive success for a particular role, like management or marketing, and then measure individual performance against those metrics. Does this help employees get a better understanding of how the company defines success yes. Does a company benefit if every manager manages the exact same way. I don’t believe so. Yet, this often drives how individuals map out a career.

My clients often come to coaching looking for help in growing skills according to a particular competency list. “If I just learn how to figure out the financial analysis side of things, I’ll be in line for a promotion,” says one 15+ year employee. Yes, this makes sense on paper, but I notice his eyes are glazed over. “How much do you enjoy financial analysis?” “This isn’t about enjoyment, it’s about promotion.” Well actually science says something quite different. In Drive, Dan Pink eloquently describes how Wikipedia, “created by tens of thousands of people who write and edit articles for fun,” eventually bested Encarta, “developed by well-paid managers who will oversee the project and ensure it is developed on budget and on time.”

The problem is that there’s not much long-term energy or motivation created in trying to fit into a competency list. It’s like putting a size 8 foot into a size 6 shoe. Is it possible? Yes. But walking will be tough. According to a growing body of evidence, as described in Ken Robinson’s The Element, or Mikhail Csikszentmihalyi’s Flow and Tom Rath’s Strengthsfinder 2.0, you will get the best out of someone when they are following their passions, doing something that interests them and playing to their strengths.

So how do we get people to listen to their inner wisdom and add their unique magic to the organizational cauldron? Hire a coach. Why? Because coaches trust that the individuals they work with have the answers within. We’re not paid to fix. We’re paid to help shift, expand, and optimize thinking. Metaphorically speaking, companies are the gardens in which individuals are planted. The management prunes people, plants them where they are needed and let some go fallow – all in service of the greater garden. That’s the role of management. Maximize output. Coaches can be brought in to nurture individual plants or entire crops. We encourage clients to seek the nutrients and ground conditions in which they will not only survive but thrive. The tension between the two creates a garden that flourishes.

Michelangelo said, “The greatest danger for most of us, is not that we aim to high and miss it, but that we aim to low and reach it.” Coaching pushes the envelope of potential by holding the space for clients to aim high. Though coaching is not the answer to every individual or organizational challenge, the skills used by coaches promote success behaviors necessary for individuals and organizations to thrive. Sometimes coaches create safety by asking an obvious question that others are afraid to ask. Other times we help clients get out of their heads, tapping into body wisdom that offers a solution inaccessible to the analytical brain. When we mirror back information, a manager gets the rare opportunity to hear honest feedback, undiluted by the filter of you-control-my-destiny thinking. When we use metaphor to reframe what we hear, clients can focus and gain new clarity. Can team members and managers do this for one another? Yes. But the objectivity and confidentiality of a good coaching relationship provides a unique opportunity to explore and develop.

Photo by Sigurd Decroos www.cobrasoft.be

“People think that I can teach them style. What stuff it all is! Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret of style.”
-  G. W. E. Russell

Every person has an instinctive communication style.  I believe strongly that people are most effective when they develop and enhance their natural tendencies.  However, there are times when a little instruction goes a long way.  I pay careful attention to what my clients say in service of helping them better understand how they communicate.

Over time I began to notice how different patterns, phrases, and habits impact communication.

One common communication mistake is the overuse of WEAK PHRASING.  This should not be confused with a SOFT START, which often leads a crucial conversation. The weak phrasing I am referring to is the habit of using indirect or limiting words, stating something and immediately backtracking, or operating from an apologetic point of view when you don’t have anything to apologize for.

There are many ways that weak phrasing impacts your communication and I would like to highlight two.  The first is perception. If you frequently use weak phrasing, others may perceive you as weak or having less authority. The second communication impact is clarity. When you use weak phrasing you are often hiding your own lack of clarity about a situation.  Using clear, direct language will help you clarify your intention. If you are unable to bottom line your idea, it is possible you have not completed your thinking.

Below are some examples of WEAK PHRASING.

1. Using too many words, which dilutes your message, is one example of weak phrasing.  For example, “I see that you are out of tomato soup on the sandwich board.  I have had the sandwiches, which are Ok, but I was really hoping for something warm.  I was wondering what other flavors of soup that you might have in addition to tomato.” A more powerful, concise version would be as follows:  “What kind of soup do you have left?” This is one of the key communication hurdles that can challenge professionals who want to move up the food chain.

2. Another example is when you use limiting words such as “just,” “sorry,” and “should” to name a few.  For example, “Hi Dave, may I talk to you for a moment.  I know I should set up a meeting but I just have a few questions…” A more powerful version would be as follows:  “Dave, do you have a minute? I have some questions about ___X____.” Let me be clear, this is not about being impolite or sidestepping manners. This is about clarity and focus on the work at hand. It is important to notice your tone – avoid demanding.

3. Beating around the bush to avoid dealing directly with a situation. Let’s say your coworker Calvin was supposed to give you a report yesterday and did not do so.  Many people will approach Calvin with a passive-aggressive approach.  “Hey Calvin, did you get that report to me?”  This question is weak because you already know the answer.  Provided your tone is unemotional and you focus on work, a more direct approach is more appropriate.  Avoid over-analyzing.  A simple question is best.  Also, remember to be solution oriented. A more powerful version would be as follows: “Carrie, where is the __X__ report?”  or, “Carrie, when will the __X__ report be finished?” Remember to subtract your emotions. Feelings are relevant to you. They provide you with information. However, when your feelings hijack your communication, they can have a negative impact. It helps to breathe. It also helps to notice what’s going on in your body. If you feel tense, take some breaths, take a walk, or take a break prior to having the conversation. It also helps to remember your goal. What are you trying to achieve.

4. A final point is apologizing inappropriately. Saying, “I’m sorry,” is absolutely correct when admitting a mistake to someone so that you acknowledge your behavior.  However when saying, “I’m sorry,” becomes the most common way you start a sentence, it may alert you to repetitive behavior patterns, like being late.  In this case, if the pattern does not change, the words mean very little.  As our parents reminded us when we were young, “actions speak louder than words.”   “Hi Anya, I’m sorry I’m late.”  I have clients who regularly greet me this way, which is polite on one hand and meaningless on another if the pattern is repeated. Again, I do not want to imply you should forget your manners. The point is that saying I’m sorry on a regular basis may be an indicator that there is a behavior that needs changing.

Photo by Carlos Sillero www.csfotos.com.br

“Man’s inability to communicate is a result of his failure to listen effectively.”
-   Carl Rogers

Active Listening

 How well you listen has a tremendous impact on your ability to communicate effectively.  Although it is easy to understand the mechanics of listening, it is difficult to follow through with the tactics that improve the skill.  This can be frustrating.  We sit down determined to ‘listen’ better, but our internal dialog turns off curiosity and turns on sensors that have us filter everything through our needs, judgments, and opinions.  In the book Co-Active Coaching, the authors discuss three distinct ways to listen, which I have simplified below.

• Level 1: “It’s all about me.” (me = listener)
• Level 2: “It’s all about you.” (you = speaker)
• Level 3: “It’s about you and the space between us.”

Most of us think we listen well, but the default way of listening is Level One, which I refer to as, “it’s all about me.”  Your focus is not on listening and responding to what you hear; rather, your focus is on waiting until the other person finishes so that you can say what you have been waiting to say.  For example, in a business meeting you come in with an agenda and before the person begins speaking, you are creating arguments against what you perceive his/her position to be.  As you start to hear something you don’t like, you turn off listening and begin mounting a defense your head. Sometimes you may wait, other times you might jump right in with a verbal assault. It need not be aggressive. This same filter of listening occurs if you hear a story and then respond with something similar that happened to you. “Oh you went to that restaurant too? We went there last week and, blah, blah, blah.” In this case you listen and then respond with statements, opinions, and advice. This does not mean you don’t care. You are simply responding from your own filter of experiences.  Judgement is another example of Level One listening.

Level Two listening, “it’s all about you,”  requires a shift away from you to the speaker.  You listen and respond to what is said by asking questions or encouraging the speaker to tell you more. This kind of listening requires some muscle building. It requires you to consciously choose to listen without an agenda. CURIOSITY is at the core of this skill.  You are with the speaker, noticing, open, and paying attention – responding with questions when appropriate to deepen your learning and gather more information.

Level Three listening, ”it’s about you, what you say, your body language, tone, etc.,” taps into intuition and takes listening to a different level. Your senses are activated and you hear both what is being said and what is not being said. You are keenly aware of the environment, feeling the atmosphere, curious about what’s going on. In fact, many of us have experienced this level of listening without thinking about it. An example might be when your child walks in the door and you sense something is not right. What’s important to remember as you develop this skill is that you do not have to be right. Check in with the speaker, say what you are sensing and let go of the outcome. You may be spot on and you may be incorrect.  Allow the speaker to tell you what is really going on.

The goal over time is to become a better Level Two & Level Three listener.  When you listen from these levels, you are more open to what is being said and you listen without immediately creating a judgment about what you hear.  As a manager, this can be challenging when direct reports come to you for your opinion.  Try starting with questions first to gain clarity and help focus the speaker’s thinking.  Of course you can share your opinion eventually AND you may find your opinion or advice changes with the new information gleaned from asking questions.  It is critical that you practice both the internal and external skill.  The internal skill building is to increase genuine curiosity and suspend judgment.  The external is to demonstrate that you are truly interested by the questions you ask and the body language you display.  IF you try asking questions and feel judgmental inside, this will become obvious to the speaker.

 Summary & Examples:

“It’s all about me!” (Level One Listening)
This means it’s about you – the listener – not the person you are listening to. You either relate to the topic, have an opinion about the topic, have an agenda to push, want to fix a problem you hear, want to give advice, or all of the aforementioned. The bottom line is that you listen through the filter of you – your experience, expertise, or what you believe to be true.

Sample Responses:
“I know your team thinks this is a bad idea, but I think you’re wrong.”
“The same thing has happened to me.”
“Here’s what you should do.”
“You went to Bellevue Square too? We bought…”
“You watched the game? Lucky! I had to work. My job is so…”

“It’s all about you!” (Level Two Listening)
You are listening through a filter that puts your focus on the other person. You are extremely curious. You listen to what’s going on and respond with the focus on them.  Questions are the key to listening at this level.  Use open questions (what, where, how, who) not yes/no questions. Also be wary of WHY questions. Somehow this line of questioning often feels like an attack and causes the speaker to become defensive. Observations of mood and feeling are also critical. Judgment will pop you back to Level One.  It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to be curious and judgmental at the same time.

Sample Responses:
“You sound upset.”
“You look so happy!”
“What would you like to do about that?”
“What is important about this?”
“How is this impacting you?”
“What do you want to do about it?”
“What does that feel like?”
“How can I help you with this?”

Body language, intuition, and beyond (Level Three Listening)
As in Level Two listening, your focus is on the speaker. It’s listening with your body wisdom, like a gut feeling. This level of listening generally requires both focus and softness. You are very present and completely unattached at the same time. There is an absence of judgment. You tend to be very grounded and relaxed when listening from this place. You do not respond to emotion and yet you are open to it. You notice little things, like the disconnect between someone smiling as they describe how much they hate their job or someone saying, “it was really fun,” without one ounce of enthusiasm. Your awareness is heightened. You are listening beyond the words, noticing tone, gestures, what is not being said, noticing mood, and open to whatever presents itself. Your questions and observations are short and you always check in with the speaker to find out if you are sensing correctly, always letting go of outcome.

Sample Responses:
“I notice you are smiling but I sense sadness.”
“This feels very heavy.”
“How do you feel?”
“What are you curious about?”
“What do you think you should do?”
“Wow. That makes me feel emotional. What do you feel?”
“I’m sensing anger. What are you sensing?”
“It feels hot in here! How about you?”
“I notice that your energy is really waning. What’s that about?”

Listening Exercise: For the next week practice different kinds of listening. Do your own research.

1. Try going to a meeting and not speaking at all.  Look for the underlying message.  What is really happening?  What do you notice?  How do people respond to one another?  Who has a clear agenda?  Who is open despite his/her agenda?
2. Try listening from “IT’S ABOUT HIM/HER” with someone you are very close to.  This means you ask lots of powerful questions and turn up the volume on curiosity.  Notice when you slip into judgment, advice, or opinion.  Step back into curiosity and questions.  What do you notice?  What are you aware of?  What do you want remember from this practice?
3. Try being curious about something when you notice your judgments getting in the way.  Ask who, what, when, and how questions.  Respond to the answers by asking new questions.  What do you notice from this practice?  How does being curious help improve your listening skills?

Resources:
Co-Active Coaching by Whitworth, Kimsey-House, Sandahl
Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Schwitzer

Making Choices:   Many people come to coaching to develop a better life balance. As coaches, one of the first things we do with clients is to help them understand what they are choosing. The first reply I often hear is, “Anya, I don’t WANT to do this, I HAVE to do this. I have no choice.” Even when the unexpected happens, we are at choice, because choice is not only about action, but also about attitude. I often reflect on the powerful quote by Viktor Frankl, a concentration camp survivor who said, “The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance.”

Most of us act out of habit. We get up, take a shower, drink coffee, plug in, get dressed, eat, go to work, go to meetings, eat, go home, do chores, eat, work, and go to sleep. Then we wake up and repeat. Wake up and repeat. Wake and repeat. You get the idea. And sometimes we add more activities; more meetings, baking cookies, taking on another project, joining a board, or caring for a loved one. And what do we usually give up? Sleep.

So often we choose unconsciously. We are so busy trying to keep up with our endless list of to-dos, that we do not have time to think about what we are doing. It’s like being on autopilot. Over time, these patterns become so hardwired, that we have almost no sense of choice. We say things like, “I can’t do that, I don’t have enough time.” “I have to take on more work; it’s the only way to get promoted.” “Someone has to do it.” We box ourselves into a situation of, “no choice” or, “either this or that.” From this vantage point, it is difficult to see options. What’s worse is that we find it difficult to enjoy life. Rather than feel good about being at Johnny’s play, we feel guilty about the report we haven’t completed. Rather than celebrate a successful presentation, we run off to the next project without taking a breath.

When clients feel very stuck, I often use balance coaching, which helps clients comes at choice from two angles.

• What attitude or perspective are you choosing?
•  What actions are you choosing?

Two simple words are at the core of choice: yes and no. In coaching we find that, “yes,” is relatively easy for most of us, while “no,” can be excruciatingly difficult to say. Rather than say, “yes,” to every request, we ask clients to STOP and take a moment to consider what they are saying YES to and what they are saying NO to. For example, if you say yes to more work, you may be saying no to free time on the weekend. This may result in more unconscious choices. IF you say YES to working on weekends, you may also be saying NO to relaxation, resulting in burn out. IF you say YES to burn out, you may also be saying NO to a promotion, as your best work is not possible if you are burnt out. So the original YES, which may have been motivated by, “I want to get that promotion,” actually causes the opposite to happen.

We are choosing in every moment. We choose what we eat, when we say I love you, when we get mad, when we buy something, and when we don’t. Most of these choices are made out of habit as opposed to intention. Stop and take a breath the next you are about to do something. Ask yourself. What are the implications of this choice? How is this choice helping me create my thrive environment? Try reframing your have to into and “I choose to,” statement. What do you notice? Be self-compassionate as you engage in the process of discovery. Get curious about what you’re choosing and see what happens.

Below are some steps to help you understand the choices you are currently making and how those choices impact your life.  What’s possible if you begin choosing differently?

1. Take a few moments to reflect on your values. What matters to you? Make a list.
2. Take a few moments to reflect on your vision. What do you want your life to look like in ten years? Write down what you want your life to look like in ten years. Be as specific as you can.
3. Now take a quick assessment. How are your current choices aligned with your values and vision? What do you want? What choices support your values and vision? What actions will you choose as a result?
4. Take a few moments to reflect on what you are learning about yourself. What choices are you making? What do you want to change? What needs to happen?
5. Now make a list of your top 3 priorities. Decide what you are saying yes and no to using the format below.

I choose to say yes to…

• This choice reflects the following value…
• This choice supports me in the following way…
• As a result of this choice, I am consciously saying no to the following…

 Review this exercise weekly until you feel your choice making is completely aligned with your values and vision.

Photo by Shad Gross

“Inventions rarely come from people within an industry, but, instead come from people on the outside who aren’t under the same limiting beliefs and habitual thinking that forms within any organization or industry.”  
 Dr. James Asher

One of the first questions my coaching clients hear is, “How might that be a limiting belief?”  This is usually prompted by a client informing me that, “Anya, you need to understand that this IS the way it is,” and “Yes, I can dream, but the reality is…” Statements like these often indicate that we are in the land of limiting beliefs and inner saboteurs. Ironically, it is a familiar and comfortable place for most of us: a place that we get to ‘know’ and ‘be in control.’ Unfortunately, limiting beliefs completely block the one thing that can assist us in solving problems, becoming more efficient, uncovering options, and so much more – our creativity.

Comfortably ensconced in what we know to be true, we proceed to find evidence and defend our position. We have, in essence, boxed ourselves in. Whatever the situation, we can only see what is in the box. It’s like being in a straightjacket. We see only the restraints and limits. Any pop of curiosity or new idea will be immediately countered with a, “yes, but…”

Anais Nin said it best. “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

What do I mean when I say LIMITING BELIEF? I mean beliefs and thoughts that hamper creative thinking and possibility. “I can’t breathe without scuba gear under water,” is not a limiting belief. “Work is not supposed to be fun,” or “there are no good men/women left,” might very well be limiting beliefs. 

In the words of Norman Vincent Peale, “We get what we expect. ”

We all hold dear our way of looking at the world.  As a coach, I’ve seen how limiting beliefs control actions and know that it is hard for my clients to let go of them. At a workshop on the neuroscience of coaching (David Rock author of QUIET LEADERSHIP) during the ICF conference in 2007, I gained deeper understanding as to why we have such a difficult time letting go. It has a lot to do with our brain’s natural behavior. Our brain is constantly making connections. In fact, it is a connection machine that gets ‘high’ by figuring things out. It hardwires repetitive activities (vast data storage) to free up working memory (limited problem solving space.) This takes place on a deep level and we are generally unaware that it is happening. In simple terms, our brains operate at two levels. One is the working memory, the part of the brain that is available to actively solve problems, and the other is the hardwiring, the database of the unconscious.

As we think, our brain hunts for connections. The brain will look for evidence (past connections and existing neural maps in the storage area) and take the path of least resistance to create a connection. According to David Rock, “…the process is that the new data is compared to our existing mental maps, to see where the connections are. We then try to fit the data into our existing frameworks. If any data doesn’t quite fit, we try harder to make the connections, we literally try to make the connections fit. Perhaps you have noticed that when we are for an idea we are more likely to allow tenuous links to become fact, and when we are against an idea we see even strong evidence as irrelevant.”

How might this show up in the workplace? If someone feels they are not being recognized for their contribution, they will find evidence of that. They will see how they were overlooked for a promotion.  They will see that others are successful.  They will feel that they are being treated unfairly.  Why? Because they are on the hunt for that evidence.  What’s worse is that they often overlook positive things that are occurring because they are not looking for that evidence.

What makes limiting beliefs so dangerous? They hamper your ability to think creatively. Today most professionals are paid to think. Each person in your organization represents an ocean of possibility and ideas. If someone is hampered by limiting beliefs, they may be accessing only a thimble full of that brilliance. Consider how many times Thomas Edison failed prior to inventing the light bulb. He didn’t say, “This isn’t working.” He must have said something like, “How can I make this work?”

So what can you do? The first step in dealing with limiting beliefs is simply acknowledging that you may have some. The next time you feel stuck, try asking yourself one of the following questions:
What do I know is absolutely right and true?  How does that limit me?
How might my thoughts/attitude be limiting?
What’s another way to look at this?
Who thinks differently than I do?
If I weren’t afraid, what question might I ask?
What do I want?

Once you understand you might be confining your creativity in a limiting belief, choose a belief that you would like to have and get curious about what’s possible. Tap into your brain’s natural ability to figure out how to use that new belief.  For example take the limiting belief, “We have tried that and they won’t listen,” and replace it with the following new belief: “There is a solution out there somewhere.” Questions you may consider as a result might be.
What haven’t we tried?
What do we need to let go of?
How are we not listening?
Who can offer another perspective?

Take some time this week to identify one limiting belief that is holding you back.  Try on a new belief that is founded on possibility and notice what happens.

Resources:
Quiet Leadership by David Rock

The Mind and the Brain by Jeffrey Schwartz, MD and Sharon Begley

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

The first thing to remember with both positive and negative feedback is the following: catch someone in the act. The sooner you can give feedback regarding something someone has done well or something someone has done poorly, the more impact the feedback will have.

Another important concept is frequency.  Regular feedback, both positive and negative, creates a safe environment in which people can learn about their strengths and weaknesses, helping them leverage input and implement learning more quickly. However, most people require much more positive feedback than negative feedback because they are naturally self-critical. This is worth repeating. Most people require more positive feedback than negative feedback. Researchers including Barbara Frederickson, John Gottman, and Marcial Losada have found that the most productive relationships have at least a 3:1 positive to negative ratio, with successful marriages at a 5:1 positive to negative ratio. Positive feedback not only makes people feel good, it helps them understand what they are doing right.

Finally, give the power back to the other person by asking questions to help focus thinking. Many of my clients come to me hoping to get feedback and advice. They are often surprised to find that coaching is about asking questions, not giving advice. Advice is easy and comes naturally to most of us. Asking questions to create insight is less natural, but usually much more powerful as a tool to develop self-awareness in the other person. According to leadership coach David Rock, “If we want to transform people’s performance, we need a new model for feedback that’s not just new packaging of the same thing.” Mr. Rock suggest using the following types of questions to help direct the conversation the with a direct report:
     What did you do well, and what did you discover about yourself as a result?
     What were the highlights of this project and what did you learn?
     What went well and would you like to talk about how to do more of this?
     What did you do well and what impact do you think this had on everyone else?

I have come up with a few more…
     What did you enjoy about this project?
     What strengths were you leveraging? How do you know that?
     Who was helpful and what did they do that was helpful?
     What best practices can you leverage moving forward?
     What is your key learning from this experience?
     What are you most proud of?
     What was fun about this project?

Quick Tips for Giving Feedback

Praise: It is important that praise is genuine. Praise is a connector, trust builder, and makes people feel good about the work they are doing. Everyone wants to feel valued. One of the biggest complaints I hear from my coaching clients is that they do not get enough recognition or positive feedback from their boss. Giving positive feedback helps people understand what they are doing right, and they will likely repeat this kind of behavior if they understand it is valued. In addition, positive feedback is key in helping people develop their strengths.
Catch someone in the act.
Praise often and genuinely: If people know that you think they are doing a good job, they tend to be less defensive when you deliver negative feedback. There is more trust that you want them to excel.
Identify and highlight strengths: Help the people who work for you understand their strengths so that they are more aware of how they can add value to your team.   
Get them thinking: Ask powerful questions so that the person can become aware of what they are doing right, understand how they are using strengths, and leverage what they are learning for future use. “What are you most proud of?  “What went right?”  “What strengths were you using?”  
Be specific: “Susan your analysis of the problems with our bug status report was simple, clear and direct. I think it got everyone on the same page. Great job!”
Share the joy: Be sure to let others know what’s going on by telling upper management or sharing the compliment in front of a group.

Critical Feedback: Although most of us do want to learn how to do our jobs better, how to please our managers, and what areas we need to work on, receiving critical feedback is rarely fun. When delivered by someone you trust and respect, quick and relevant critical feedback can be very constructive.
Catch someone in the act.
Deliver feedback in clear, concise, and non-emotional language.
Deliver in a one-to-one situation, not in front of a group.
Get them thinking: Ask powerful questions so that the person can shift from beating themselves up of to factual critiquing with a focus on creating solutions, applying learning, and moving forward. As crazy as this sounds, ask the question, “What went right?”  It forces people to acknowledge that not everything went wrong.  Other useful questions might be, “What is your key learning?”  “What do you need from me?” 
Avoid hiding critical feedback behind a compliment + BUT: “Lisa your reports are clear, your presentations are very good, BUT you aren’t cross-teaming well.”
Don’t drag it out: Say it simply and move on. However, don’t brush it aside. Make sure you are both on the same page and that the person understands the feedback.
Avoid “you” language: “Rick, you really missed the point with this presentation. The GM is going to be really mad.” Instead focus on the issue and on facts. For example, “Rick, the feedback forms indicate that the audience didn’t get the message. How can we fix this?”
Be specific – Use facts and data: “David, this report does not meet our standards. It is missing a clear framing statement, support regarding the numbers, and clear examples supporting the benefit analysis.”
Set clear expectations: “Can you add the information we discussed and have the new report to me by Thursday?
Be solution-oriented: Whether this is mentoring a seasoned professional or growing a new hire ask for, coach towards, or offer a solution to the problem. “Mary, that meeting didn’t go as well as planned. What might you have done differently?”
Finally, be supportive/encourage when appropriate: Let people know that you believe that they are capable of not only improving, but also excelling. “Mary, I know dealing with the GMs is tough, but you can handle it.”
Resources:
Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler
One Minute Manager by Kenneth Blanchard, PhD and Spencer Johnson, MD
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
Now Discover Your Strengths by Marcus Buckingham and Donald Clifton, PhD
Quiet Leadership by David Rock