“We have a finite amount of time. Whether it’s short or long doesn’t really matter. Life is to be lived. And I have never met anyone who was pitying themselves or pitying others who was making the best and highest use of anybody’s time.” —- Dr. Randy Pausch
Making Choices: Many people come to coaching to develop a better life balance. As coaches, one of the first things we do with clients is to help them understand what they are choosing. The first reply I often hear is, “Anya, I don’t WANT to do this, I HAVE to do this. I have no choice.” Even when the unexpected happens, we are at choice, because choice is not only about action, but also about attitude. I often reflect on the powerful quote by Viktor Frankl, a concentration camp survivor who said, “The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance.”
Most of us act out of habit. We get up, take a shower, drink coffee, plug in, get dressed, eat, go to work, go to meetings, eat, go home, do chores, eat, work, and go to sleep. Then we wake up and repeat. Wake up and repeat. Wake and repeat. You get the idea. And sometimes we add more activities; more meetings, baking cookies, taking on another project, joining a board, or caring for a loved one. And what do we usually give up? Sleep.
So often we choose unconsciously. We are so busy trying to keep up with our endless list of to-dos, that we do not have time to think about what we are doing. It’s like being on autopilot. Over time, these patterns become so hardwired, that we have almost no sense of choice. We say things like, “I can’t do that, I don’t have enough time.” “I have to take on more work; it’s the only way to get promoted.” “Someone has to do it.” We box ourselves into a situation of, “no choice” or, “either this or that.” From this vantage point, it is difficult to see options. What’s worse is that we find it difficult to enjoy life. Rather than feel good about being at Johnny’s play, we feel guilty about the report we haven’t completed. Rather than celebrate a successful presentation, we run off to the next project without taking a breath.
When clients feel very stuck, I often use balance coaching, which helps clients comes at choice from two angles.
- What attitude or perspective are you choosing?
- What actions are you choosing?
Two simple words are at the core of choice: yes and no. In coaching we find that, “yes,” is relatively easy for most of us, while “no,” can be excruciatingly difficult to say. Rather than say, “yes,” to every request, we ask clients to STOP and take a moment to consider what they are saying YES to and what they are saying NO to. For example, if you say yes to more work, you may be saying no to free time on the weekend. This may result in more unconscious choices. IF you say YES to working on weekends, you may also be saying NO to relaxation, resulting in burn out. IF you say YES to burn out, you may also be saying NO to a promotion, as your best work is not possible if you are burnt out. So the original YES, which may have been motivated by, “I want to get that promotion,” actually causes the opposite to happen.
We are choosing in every moment. We choose what we eat, when we say I love you, when we get mad, when we buy something, and when we don’t. Most of these choices are made out of habit as opposed to intention. Stop and take a breath the next you are about to do something. Ask yourself. What are the implications of this choice? How is this choice helping me create my thrive environment? Try reframing your have to into and “I choose to,” statement. What do you notice? Be self-compassionate as you engage in the process of discovery. Get curious about what you’re choosing and see what happens.
Below are some steps to help you understand the choices you are currently making and how those choices impact your life. What’s possible if you begin choosing differently?
- Take a few moments to reflect on your values. What matters to you? Make a list.
- Take a few moments to reflect on your vision. What do you want your life to look like in ten years? Write down what you want your life to look like in ten years. Be as specific as you can.
- Now take a quick assessment. How are your current choices aligned with your values and vision? What do you want? What choices support your values and vision? What actions will you choose as a result?
- Take a few moments to reflect on what you are learning about yourself. What choices are you making? What do you want to change? What needs to happen?
- Now make a list of your top 3 priorities. Decide what you are saying yes and no to using the format below.
I choose to say yes to…
- This choice reflects the following value…
- This choice supports me in the following way…
- As a result of this choice, I am consciously saying no to the following…
Review this exercise weekly until you feel your choice making is completely aligned with your values and vision.
