Photo by Sigurd Decroos www.cobrasoft.be
“People think that I can teach them style. What stuff it all is! Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret of style.”
- G. W. E. Russell
Every person has an instinctive communication style. I believe strongly that people are most effective when they develop and enhance their natural tendencies. However, there are times when a little instruction goes a long way. I pay careful attention to what my clients say in service of helping them better understand how they communicate.
Over time I began to notice how different patterns, phrases, and habits impact communication.
One common communication mistake is the overuse of WEAK PHRASING. This should not be confused with a SOFT START, which often leads a crucial conversation. The weak phrasing I am referring to is the habit of using indirect or limiting words, stating something and immediately backtracking, or operating from an apologetic point of view when you don’t have anything to apologize for.
There are many ways that weak phrasing impacts your communication and I would like to highlight two. The first is perception. If you frequently use weak phrasing, others may perceive you as weak or having less authority. The second communication impact is clarity. When you use weak phrasing you are often hiding your own lack of clarity about a situation. Using clear, direct language will help you clarify your intention. If you are unable to bottom line your idea, it is possible you have not completed your thinking.
Below are some examples of WEAK PHRASING.
1. Using too many words, which dilutes your message, is one example of weak phrasing. For example, “I see that you are out of tomato soup on the sandwich board. I have had the sandwiches, which are Ok, but I was really hoping for something warm. I was wondering what other flavors of soup that you might have in addition to tomato.” A more powerful, concise version would be as follows: “What kind of soup do you have left?” This is one of the key communication hurdles that can challenge professionals who want to move up the food chain.
2. Another example is when you use limiting words such as “just,” “sorry,” and “should” to name a few. For example, “Hi Dave, may I talk to you for a moment. I know I should set up a meeting but I just have a few questions…” A more powerful version would be as follows: “Dave, do you have a minute? I have some questions about ___X____.” Let me be clear, this is not about being impolite or sidestepping manners. This is about clarity and focus on the work at hand. It is important to notice your tone – avoid demanding.
3. Beating around the bush to avoid dealing directly with a situation. Let’s say your coworker Calvin was supposed to give you a report yesterday and did not do so. Many people will approach Calvin with a passive-aggressive approach. “Hey Calvin, did you get that report to me?” This question is weak because you already know the answer. Provided your tone is unemotional and you focus on work, a more direct approach is more appropriate. Avoid over-analyzing. A simple question is best. Also, remember to be solution oriented. A more powerful version would be as follows: “Carrie, where is the __X__ report?” or, “Carrie, when will the __X__ report be finished?” Remember to subtract your emotions. Feelings are relevant to you. They provide you with information. However, when your feelings hijack your communication, they can have a negative impact. It helps to breathe. It also helps to notice what’s going on in your body. If you feel tense, take some breaths, take a walk, or take a break prior to having the conversation. It also helps to remember your goal. What are you trying to achieve.
4. A final point is apologizing inappropriately. Saying, “I’m sorry,” is absolutely correct when admitting a mistake to someone so that you acknowledge your behavior. However when saying, “I’m sorry,” becomes the most common way you start a sentence, it may alert you to repetitive behavior patterns, like being late. In this case, if the pattern does not change, the words mean very little. As our parents reminded us when we were young, “actions speak louder than words.” “Hi Anya, I’m sorry I’m late.” I have clients who regularly greet me this way, which is polite on one hand and meaningless on another if the pattern is repeated. Again, I do not want to imply you should forget your manners. The point is that saying I’m sorry on a regular basis may be an indicator that there is a behavior that needs changing.
